The Baby

This might be the hardest post I have written so far, because this is about my Luke, my baby, my last one. I started and stopped this writing many times because of all the feelings that come with reliving the past. I am not perfect; no mother is. However, somewhere in the back of our "mother" minds, we feel we are making all the best decisions when it comes to our children because we love them unconditionally. We want the absolute best. I know I did and still do. When in the "thick" of raising children day after day, we make hundreds of decisions and because we are the parents, we feel each decision is the best one. Even if the answer we give our child is "because I said so." I know what is best or at least, I think I do...

Luke is our youngest. Five years younger than Josh and nine years younger than Drew. Scott and I never wanted our boys so far apart in age, but God decided when it was time for Luke to arrive. Only God is the "Author of Life."

I love all three of my sons with my entire being, and God has used each of them to teach me lessons about who He is and what it really means to trust Him. Let me emphasize... really trust Him with my sons. For years I had trusted God to choose schools, teachers, coaches and career paths. I trusted Him when Drew left home at 18 for a college we had never heard of and knew very little about and when we almost lost Josh due to a serious car accident nine hours away. But with Luke, the youngest, the baby, my last one, I realized trusting God would reach a new level. My sweet, happy, quiet, Lego loving, video playing little boy who had always been right next to me, reached manhood way before I was ready, and it was a struggle. A hard road filled with days and nights of not enough words, too many words, and wrong words.

I always knew my sons never belonged to me. They were God given and to be molded to be who God desired. This is much easier to say and even easier to write, but actually doing what God desires is tough when it comes to our children. I tried so hard to mold Luke into who I thought he should be. The harder I tried to force him into my mold by pressing and pressing, the more he resisted. But isn't that what a good parent does? How do we know when to stop pressing? How do we know when it's too much or when it's not enough? I turned to so many people and professionals asking for advice, guidance and counseling. With good intentions, people would often say, "They are all so different. Let him be who he is." Yes, I would agree, but how different do you allow them to be? I tried so many things, but Luke continued to push away. The tighter I tried to hang on, the more I knew I was losing him. Was I praying? Absolutely. On my knees and some days, on my face.

"Finish Strong" are words a precious friend and I would say back and forth to each other regarding our last children. We are not always the same mother to our last child that we are to our first. We get older. We get tired. We get lazy. I confess. I did become lazy at one point. To make up for my "lazy" parenting at times, I did everything in my power to control every move Luke made. I was determined Luke was going to fit into my mold no matter what the cost, and I was going to "finish strong." However, this only led to more anger on both sides and Luke losing trust in me. I had read The Circle Maker and decided to draw a circle around Luke. I told God, "I am going to stand here and wait for You to move." I had a list of what I thought God should do and how to do it. Yeah... God has a completely different idea.

Finally, there was a day I broke. Something had to change, but I had no idea it was me. God spoke so clearly; I could not deny His voice. "Do you trust ME?" The moment of realization, I had not completely surrendered Luke to Him. God was making me confront my own fears of truly letting go. God wanted me to understand His love for Luke far outweighed my love for my son. Luke was also His, and I needed to let go. All I had been doing was trying to keep Luke close, but close really meant control. I felt I needed to protect him from making bad choices, because if he left, in my mind, all would be lost. The truth is God was waiting for me to move out of the way. I cannot write my son's story for him; he must write his own.

Together, Scott and I let him go. Things were far from perfect, but the difference was peace, knowing how faithful God is even when we do not understand the process. When God showed Luke his path, he could not wait to run down it. He grew in ways we never imagined. Looking at Luke with clearer eyes, I could see how he loves and cares for people with his whole heart. He is crazy smart but disliked the confines of a classroom. He will not fight for attention, but if you give him the floor, he will make you laugh tears. He does not have a lot of words, but he has words of worth.

Proud does not describe what Scott and I feel for Luke. We feel the absolute Goodness of God. Today, Luke is an audio engineer, married to an amazing woman, Melody Faith and has a beautiful baby girl, Eliza Jane. God was in every step and mis-step along the way and He has molded Luke into an the incredible human he is today.

If you are in the "thick" of raising a son and you are feeling so discouraged, take heart. Know that God hears every word of your prayers and our prayers are ETERNAL. There is no expiration date on prayers. Just stay the course. Love your boy, speak Truth, and if at all possible, embrace the journey no matter how hard. He is the good good Father.